I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
