Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
