It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize