You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
