I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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