There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
