I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Mom said you looked used
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
