the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize