What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
