I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
