I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize