the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
