everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
