I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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