Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize