True but thats because hes a fetus.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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