i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize