I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Pants are for mortals
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
