It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
