Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize