I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
