i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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