Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
