drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
