just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
