just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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