How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
the day after is always just damage control
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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