final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
