I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
