well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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