You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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