Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize