I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
