So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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