you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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