look no pants
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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