ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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