I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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