the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
