girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
