Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm at about main and main street
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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