It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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