I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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