Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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