There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
