I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize