1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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