Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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