2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
