Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
