Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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