i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
