I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Dear god my vagina.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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