What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
