we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
