My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
