just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
