...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
