Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
